Euro 2008 Diary

Right, it’s probably best to quickly and quietly submit this curiousity while no-one’s looking. I was asked to write a “humorous” diary of Euro 2008 for a fanzine. It was only meant to be a brief piece but somewhere along the line it became a bloated mess; 2000 words primarily preoccupied with Alan Hansen’s imagined descent into madness, and Clive Tyldesley’s homo-erotic obsession with Cristiano Ronaldo. Needless to say that it will probably be deservedly stripped-down to next to nothing by said fanzine. Or hurled into the nearest bin at the earliest opportunity. Here it is, in full unexpurgated form. Enjoy…

Saturday June 7^th

The BBC’s John Motson draws the short straw on Day One of the European Championships. Not only does he have to commentate on a tedious game between the Czech Republic and co-hosts Switzerland, but he also has the daunting task of providing insight on a typically baffling opening ceremony. “…and I think this is meant to represent the Swiss naval tradition,” suggests a flummoxed John Motson, as a bunch of people with giant cubes on their heads run around aimlessly. “Utter rubbish!” is Alan Hansen’s assessment at half time.

Meanwhile over on ITV the Cristiano Ronaldo love-in is in full swing, long before Portugal vs Turkey has even kicked off. Clive Tyldesley is particularly smitten. “Oh, magnificent skills from…you guessed it, that man Ronaldo!” he says, as the ‘Best Player in the Entire Universe’ (© 2008, Old Trafford) does up his laces. Ronaldo goes on to do very little else of note, as Portugal ease to victory.

Sunday 8^th June

The opening games of Group B, which means that we get the first of many references to “German Efficiency”, courtesy of Captain Obvious, Mr. Alan Shearer.

The Germans are better than merely ‘efficient’, beating Poland- the tournament’s most non-descript team- with consummate ease. In the earlier game Croatia defeat co-hosts Austria 1-0, in a game that Alan Hansen describes as “like watching your entire family die, right in front of your eyes”.

Monday 9^th June

After a sub-par match between France and Romania, Hansen truly snaps. “The worst game of all time. A crime against humanity”, he splutters, as Alan Shearer looks on, vacantly.

Later that evening Holland wake everyone up with a thrilling exhibition of counter-attacking football, hammering Italy 3-0. Clive Tyldesley is so entranced by the Dutch artistry that he only manages to mention Cristiano Ronaldo a mere 27 times.

Tuesday 10^th June

Spain produce the second great performance of Euro 2008 so far, hammering a lacklustre Russia 4-1. However, Hansen’s still preoccupied with the Romania vs. France game. “After that abortion of a game yesterday, anything would look impressive,” he spits, before launching into a lengthy tirade against the French. “…and don’t get me started on that Sarkozy…” is the last we hear, as a quick-witted BBC employee unplugs the belligerent Scot’s microphone. Alan Shearer stays characteristically silent.

Over on ITV, Sweden beat a dreadful Greece 2-0. No one seems terribly interested.

Wednesday 11^th June

Portugal again, and Cristiano Ronaldo is off the mark for the tournament, scoring in a 3-1 victory against the Czechs. “He is the most high. He is risen. Glory be!” yelps a love-struck Clive Tyldesley.

Back over on the Beeb an unexpected monsoon transforms a tepid game into a bit of a classic. The Turks stage the first of a sequence of dramatic comebacks, beating Switzerland 2-1. Unfortunately no one actually sees the game as the final of The Apprentice is on the other side.

Thursday 12^th June

A quick word on ITV’s studio; while the BBC have elected to set up camp in the centre of Vienna, in a building overlooking some of the city’s finest landmarks, with the Danube splashing elegantly in and out of view, their less illustrious neighbours have opted to broadcast their output from what looks like Andy Townsend’s basement. Tight bastards.

While ITV may not be winning in the aesthetic stakes, they certainly have had the pick of the football thus far. The trend continues here, as Germany succumb to a nimble Croatian side in one of the tournament’s most intriguing contests.

Meanwhile the Beeb get stuck with Austria vs. Poland. Hansen is suitably unimpressed at half time, and starts bashing his head against the floor in apoplectic rage. Luckily a quick-witted BBC employee is on hand with a syringe full of elephant tranquiliser- originally intended for the now-departed Ian Wright- and is able to sedate the fiery Scot before he does himself genuine harm. Alan Shearer does his usual excellent impression of an inanimate object, and Martin O’Neill wonders what he’s doing with this shambolic bunch.

Friday 13^th June

It has become abundantly clear that Gary Lineker doesn’t really want to be at Euro 2008. By day 7 he has given up on presenting the BBC’s coverage of the championships altogether. “So…um…yeah…talk amongst yourselves. I’m off to the tanning salon,” is his introduction to Italy vs Romania, a crunch game in Group C. Alan Shearer furrows his brow slightly.

Over on ITV another stonking game delights and amazes an impressive T.V. audience of 7 million Brits, who all presumably press the mute button in unison as soon as David Pleat squawks his trademark “evening all”. The Dutch are again in scintillating form, hammering those cowardly Frenchies 4-1.

Saturday 14^th June

Group D: Spain continue to keep pace with the Dutch as best team of the tournament so far, thanks to a late David Villa goal against Sweden. Russia get off the mark, beating the risible Greeks by a single goal.

Meanwhile, down in the bunker it suddenly becomes apparent as to where all of ITV’s cash has gone, as Andy Townsend unveils his swanky new H.D. touch-screen T.V. Not that he has even the slightest clue how to work it. “Right, and if I just circle Fernando Torres…oh….no…I seem to have broken it….ha…well, that’s football for you!”

Sunday 15^th June

We’ve reached the final round of group games. As each group’s final matches are broadcast simultaneously- for the sake of fairness- both networks are forced to jettison one of the day’s games to their digital channel. Today is the turn of ITV, who elect to banish Switzerland vs. Portugal to the wasteland of ITV4, much to the ire of Clive Tyldesley. “God this match is dreadful”, he snorts, as Turkey and the Czechs play out one of the most thrilling games of football EVER. The Turks eventually win 3-2, thanks to more late, late drama.

Monday 16^th June

It’s the Germans again. With Alan Hansen gone A.W.O.L- last seen shouting at a letterbox in the outskirts of Vienna- and Gary Lineker busy lounging by the hotel pool, it’s left to Alan Shearer to hold the BBC’s coverage together. Staring blankly into the camera, he repeats the mantra “Never write off the Germans,” for a full 17 minutes. Shearer’s clichéd prediction turns out to be spot on, as a Michael Ballack free kick helps Germany into the last eight.

Tuesday 17^th June

Boredom during the ‘tense’ (i.e. tedious) game between Italy and France leads your intrepid correspondent to look up Mark Lawrenson on Wikipedia. Apparently he once, “presented a special edition of Gardener’s Question Time alongside Carl Lewis”? Someone’s been causing mischief, one suspects.

Italy ease past France to join the Dutch as ‘Group of Death’ escapees. Back in the studio a rum-soaked Alan Hansen burns a Paper Mache reproduction of Notre Dame Cathedral in celebration. “Good riddance to bad rubbish!” he cackles, maniacally. Alan Shearer nods enthusiastically, pretending to understand what’s going on, while Martin O’Neill weeps quietly for the sake of football punditry.

Wednesday 18^th June

Back to Andy Townsend’s cellar, where the former Chelsea and Aston Villa midfielder, unable to fix his outrageously expensive H.D. TV, has been forced to explain Russia’s 2-0 demolition of Sweden using a scrap of paper and a felt-tip pen. An ITV spokesperson defends this amateurish display: “Come on, England aren’t here. Why the f**k do any of you even care about this sh**ty little tournament?”

Thursday 19^th June

A bit of a shock, as Germany beat in-form Portugal. A distraught Clive Tyldesley attempts to hang himself with his own tie. Luckily David Pleat, pre-empting the situation, calms the hysterical commentator down by changing into his ‘Emergency Cristiano Ronaldo Costume’ and starts doing step-overs with one of UEFA’s complimentary bread rolls.

Friday 20^th June

Croatia vs. Turkey in the second quarter final, which means more footage of Adrian Chiles jumping up and down in a red and white chequered shirt. Throughout the tournament the box-faced oaf has been tracing back his Croatian heritage. Before the Croatia – Austria game we were treated to footage of Chiles drinking tea with his tiny Croatian aunt in some Zagreb slum. “Neither of us understands a word of what the other is saying, but I feel there is an emotional bond between us,” he said, wiping the dust off his crisp Armani suit, while his poor, emaciated auntie scrabbled around in the dirt for crumbs. “Yes, I may be a millionaire chat show host, and she may stitch wallets for 8 pence a day, but other than that there is no real difference between us.”

Saturday 21^st June

A furious Martin O’Neill quits the BBC after another shambolic display from his fellow pundits. “It’s gone too far,” said the animated Irishman. “Lineker just sits there reading Heat magazine and eating Walkers Sensations. The other day, when the producer asked him to read from the autocue, he just laughed and said, ‘Worthless peon, do you know who I am? I’m Gary Lineker. I could buy you. From now on bow every time I enter a room’.

“Shearer seems to have forgotten how to form sentences. I mean, last night he spent the whole of the post-match analysis slowly rocking back and forth, emitting a low drone. I think he may be catatonic.

“As for Hansen,” O’Neill continued, “the man’s lost his mind. He comes in every morning reeking of Absinthe and blood. He’s started calling himself ‘God of Pain’. For me the tipping point came when he bludgeoned that Heron to death during half time of the Holland – Russia game. That was when I knew I had to go.

“I just came here to enjoy some top quality football, and I ended up missing most of Russia’s scintillating extra time performance because I was too busy mopping up blood!”

Hansen’s agent said the moody Scot was “unavailable for comment.”

Sunday 22^nd June

Over at Townsend Towers events take a similarly macabre turn as it is revealed that the entire ITV Euro 2008 team has been locked in the basement since the start of the tournament. After 15 days without food or water the crew finally made their escape through an air vent. “Basically ITV said that we wouldn’t live to see July unless we did the entire competition for free. I can’t describe the horrors I’ve seen,” remarked a visibly shaken Robbie Earle.

“We got so hungry that we ended up eating Gary Neville,” Andy Townsend added. “I never thought I’d see the day where I’d have to devour the entrails of a Champions League winner, but hey, that’s football!”

An ITV spokesperson was bullish in his defence of the network’s tactics. “Listen, the Neville incident was unfortunate, but what did you expect? We are part owned by Murdoch, after all.”

Wednesday 25^th June

One of the BBC’s many lamentable Euro 2008 features has been Ray Stubbs’ pitchside chats with former Milan hero Marcel Desailly. Marcel doesn’t really understand what a microphone is, and so feels he has to shout as LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE whenever poor beleaguered Stubbsy asks him his opinion on the game. By the time of the first semi-final it has become clear that Ray has lost all residual hearing in both ears, and so he has adopted the crafty tactic of nodding constantly whenever Desailly is speaking, in the hope that he might avoid looking like a prize twat. It doesn’t work.

Meanwhile millions of viewers across the globe miss most of the second half of Germany’s 3-2 victory over Turkey, after a mentally unhinged Alan Hansen mistakes UEFA’s television cables for a delicious plate of spaghetti carbonara and chews through them. Hansen miraculously survives the incident. “Well, he is the ‘God of Pain’, after all,” points out his agent.

Thursday 26^th June

Clive Tyldesley, clearly in denial after Portugal’s early exit from the tournament, behaves erratically during the semi-final between Russia and Spain. “…nice sliding tackle from Ronaldo….and now it’s Ronaldo on the ball…lovely weighted pass into the path of RONALDOOOO! Cristiano Ronaldo does it again!” is the last we hear, as a quick-witted ITV employee wrestles the lovesick commentator into the back of a white van.

Sunday 29^th June

The Final! At the BBC’s hip Austrian headquarters the scene now resembles something from the last days of Rome. A young Austrian milkmaid feeds Gary Lineker grapes from a golden platter. Alan Hansen, missing his left eye and wearing Lee Dixon’s skin as a poncho, busies himself by flinging his own excrement across the room. Most shockingly of all, Alan Shearer seems to have lost all control of his limbs. Unable to move, he lies splayed across the BBC desk, whimpering quietly.

Suddenly, a miracle! Jeff Stelling bursts through the door, a golden cape billowing behind him as he enters. “Right, we’re doing this properly!” he shouts defiantly, kicking Lineker from his Chaise Lounge. “Hansen, pull yourself together or I’ll get Phil Thompson in to replace you!”

“Oh, yes. Right. Sorry,” Hansen replies sheepishly.

“Oh, and someone get rid of Shearer. He’s an utter waste of cells.”

Stelling slips into Lineker’s vacant chair, turns to the camera and smiles:

“Good evening, and welcome to the final of Euro 2008…”

Italians Fret Over Conspiracy Theories

Holland have long since confounded those most inane preconceptions about their chances at Euro 2008, nonchalantly qualifying for the tournament’s knockout stage almost before the competition had even kicked off. However, even from their lofty pedestal as certified, comfortable group winners, the Dutch might still play a significant role in the denouement of Group C tonight. For, while the French and Italians seek to batter each other into bloody submission in Zurich, peripheral glances will be thrown towards Bern. There, Romania, needing a win to assure qualification at the expense of the pair of World Cup finalists, take on a Dutch side that could charitably be described as ‘under-motivated’.

Marco Van Basten and his clan of tangerine-clad counter-attacking machines will no doubt be well aware that an ‘accidental’ slip up this evening would rid Euro 2008 of two teams who, whilst having underachieved thus far, still have enough gifted players to possess a reasonable threat in the tournament’s later stages. Italy and France have noticed this too and the Italians in particular have been making every attempt to publicly suck-up to their Dutch superiors. “I do not have fears about Holland. I trust their professionalism,” cooed Danielle De Rossi, coquettishly. Gianluigi Buffon continued the sycophantic onslaught. “I trust in the sportsmanship of the Dutch,” he said, before adopting the somewhat different tactic of guilt-tripping the bejesus out of Van Basten, a “friend” of Donadoni and of “Italy in general”.

Italy’s concerns have much to do with their premature exit from the previous European Championships. In the final round of group games at Euro 2004 the Italians were disposed of, thanks in part to a draw in the final group game between Denmark and Sweden. The result had the Italians furiously claiming conspiracy, as both the Danes and Swedes only needed that draw to qualify. Perhaps someone should have pointed out to the Italians that if the Danes and Swedes had genuinely been playing for a draw, scoring four goals in the process was perhaps a risky business. A stagnant 0-0 might very well indicate an El Molinon-esque collusion, but a pulsating 2-2, complete with last-minute equaliser, suggests otherwise.

Nevertheless Italians remain certain of underhand confederacy between the two Scandinavian nations and are wary of a similar event occurring tonight. A Dutch defeat will obviously provoke uproar, but may very well happen, not because the Netherlands are willing it to, but because a weakened team with nothing to play for will be facing a resilient Romanian side that were unlucky not to beat the Italians four days ago. On Sunday Portugal, missing the majority of the side that has impressed in the tournament thus far, lost to a distinctly average Swiss side, while yesterday, Croatia were fortunate to beat the ineffectual Poles. There is not such a great chasm between the haves and have-nots at this tournament to suggest that any upset is the result of shameful machinations. Thus, to allege some sort of plot in the match in Bern tonight would not only do a disservice to the Dutch, but also to a Romanian side that took four points off them in qualifying.

Furthermore, a Dutch victory would probably be beneficial to the fragile ‘Oranje’ psyche, as the Guardian’s Paul Doyle found out:

“Ninety per cent of the people back home want us to go for a win,” one Dutch journalist told me. “I think the main reason is because to do anything else would be to invite pressure. Imagine if we deliberately let Romania through and then met them again in the semi-finals: we’d know that we would risk looking like total idiots if we lost to them then.”

Ultimately, if the Dutch do fall to Romania tonight, the Italians should avoid the catcalls and suspicions, and instead look at a Euro campaign that so far has seen them score a single goal and concede four times that number. Had they performed to the best of their abilities, there would be no need for outrageous conspiracy theories.

Euro 2008: Group D

So, on to Group D, or Spain’s group. Despite the presence of the current European Champions, Greece, it is la seleccion who have seemingly been given wall-to-wall coverage by a salivating European press. It is difficult to know where this attention is down to a genuine belief that this is Spain’s year, or simply macabre curiousity. Because, really, are a group of disparate individuals, a portion of whom don’t really consider themselves Spanish, led by an underachieving, gleefully offensive curmudgeon, going to suddenly, and without precedence, become a well-organised, ruthless footballing machine?

The Spanish national side is a tortured beast, made up of a series of complex socio-political paradoxes as well as a defeatist, even borderline-masochistic, attitude. 44 years have past since their last victory in an international tournament, and in that time some wonderful players have suffered as part of this grim lineage. Arconada, Butragueno, Hierro, Luis Enrique, Guardiola- all names which should really be associated with victorious campaigns but, somehow, aren’t. Vast tomes have been written on Spain’s inexplicable failure in the domain of international football, and a piffling thousand-word Group D preview isn’t going to add a great deal to such extensive work, so let’s just leave the theorising alone and deal with the football.

Spain are in a very similar position to Germany 2006. There the general opinion was that the Spanish were more than merely dark horses- they had a genuine claim for glory. In the group stage the Spanish were a thrilling proposition, insouciantly swatting away all who dared to take them on. When the inevitable defeat did arrive it came in a predictably unprecedented manner; a tired, unimaginative French side led by a declining Zinedine Zidane suddenly, dramatically regained their bearings and beat the Spaniards 3-1, with Zidane sauntering in from the left wing to score the impressive third.

Skip forward to Euro 2008 and the Spanish are still recipients of excessive levels of hype. One look at the squad tells us why. On paper the Spanish are arguably the strongest side in the competition. Torres and Villa, the formidable front two, are assisted by the swift tiki-taka passing of Xavi and Iniesta, and the powerful running of Valencia’s David Silva. Marcos Senna of Villareal adds a touch of restraint to this exciting group of attacking players. Full back Sergio Ramos will burst into forward positions with alacrity- and is a surprisingly good finisher- while in goal is the brilliant Iker Cassillas. Some questions have been raised about the centre of the defence- Carlos’ Puyol and Marchena are considered a touch too similar, with both having the worrying tendency to leap into tackles thoughtlessly- but this is only a trifling issue when compared with the side’s many strengths.

Spain can also point to a kind draw as a positive, although one would argue that theirs is precisely the sort of group which the Spanish flounder in. An opening match against a tidy but under-strength Russian side is a must win because following that is the game against the unpredictable Swedes, who could quite easily cause an upset. The final game against the super-organised Greeks might also be a difficult proposition if the Spanish are desperate for points.

Barring a failure of disastrous proportions, the Spanish should navigate group D. For the remaining three sides the issue of qualification is far more opaque. Greece, as holders, certainly have the credentials to qualify, but are as unfavoured as they were in Euro 2004, with the general consensus being that such an unlikely occurance couldn’t possibly materialise for a second time. Once again the Greeks will look to utilise the element of surprise. In this case the expected brand of set-piece football will be supplemented by a more attacking style. Striker Theofanis Gekas, a regular scorer in Germany with Bochum and Bayer Leverkusen, exemplifies this new, positive stance. Elsewhere familiar names Karagounis and Basinas will anchor the midfield, while Krygiakos and Dellas will look to do the same in central defence. Giourkas Seitaridis will be allowed on occasion to push forward from right back. The silver fox Antonis Nikopolidis continues in goal.

Swedish expectations are low at Euro 2008. The Swedes stuttered through qualifying and a mark of desperation is evidenced in the return of 36-year-old Henrik Larsson, an undisputed legend but one that is slowly winding down his auspicious career. Sweden do have some wonderful talent. One cannot dispute the ability of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, while in midfield Lyon’s Kim Kallstrom has become one Ligue 1’s best players. Sebstian Larsson deserved far more than relegation with Birmingham last season and will hope to continue  his club form at the Euros. Olof Mellberg is experienced in central defence, as is his nemesis Freddy Ljungberg on the right wing.

Despite these positives, it is hard to see Sweden escaping the group. The national side has grown stale under coach Lars Lagerbeck, with too many players present on reputation alone. A major worry must be that first choice goalkeeper Andreas Isaksson played but a handful of games for Manchester City last season, one of them being that 8-1 disaster at the riverside. Sweden look a little stagnant and a rebuilding process must surely take place after these championships.

Russia may very well be a major player in international football in years to come. At club level progress has already been made with CSKA Moscow and Zenit St. Petersburg both recent winners of the UEFA cup. Russian wealth means that excellent coaches such as Gus Hiddink can be enticed to the east, and excellent training facilites can be constructed.

The current squad are certainly not worthy of ‘European elite’ status, but are a good side nonetheless. Some anomalous results in qualifying (the loss in Israel which briefly raised English hopes) should not detract from the quality of this Russian side. Technically this is a batch of players of the highest quality. Left winger Yuri Zhirkov has been described as the Russian Ronaldinho, while Konstantin Zyranov quietly controls the tempo of games from central midfield. The diamond of the team is Andrei Arshavin, a brilliant playmaker, whose pace, movement and clever short passing can cause problems in opposition defences.

For this Russian side everything operates through Arshavin. Unfortunately, he is banned for the first two games of the tournament, meaning that Russia will have to find an alternative. Another big loss is that of Pavel Pogrebnyak, a target man who has been in irresistible form for Zenit St Petersburg this season. Pogrebnyak will miss all of the tournament with a knee injury, and should Russia fail to adequately replace him and Arshavin, an early exit looms, especially if a fragile defence does not hold firm.

Prediction

Spain knock a few past Russia, while Sweden and Greece draw. The Spaniards continue their good form against the Swedes, as Russia beat Greece. Greece and Spain draw, as do Sweden and Russia. Spain and Russia to qualify.

One to watch: Konstantin Zyranov (Russia)

A restrained but elegant central midfielder, Zyranov links up excellently with Andrei Arshavin at Zenit St. Petersburg. With Arshavin suspended for the first two games Zyranov will have to adopt a more offensive approach for the national team. Zyranov likes to play quick one-twos, flummoxing the opposition defence in the process. When this policy works it can bring wonderful results. Should be one for the aesthetes.

Euro 2008: Group C

Group C, or the ‘Group of Death’, is the mutated result of Austria and Switzerland’s selection as co-hosts. For the ‘benefit’ of the tournament the hosts (or in this case co-hosts) are given a position as top seed, with the logic being that it may give them an easier route out of the group stage. Unfortunately in this tournament that plan has backfired. Austria and Switzerland are joined by holders Greece and qualification leaders Holland in what must be the weakest quartet of top seeds in finals history. The two co-hosts were still every nation’s first choice of opponents in the group stage, the Greeks only slightly less so despite their status as holders, and The Dutch were effectively punished for a decent qualifying campaign by being seated alongside such a weak trio.

Ultimately criticism should rightly be levelled at UEFA for their choice of hosts. Whilst smaller nations in Europe deserve a shot at hosting the European Championships, the policy of pairing two low ranked nations as co-hosts should be dispensed with. Sure, UEFA could argue that a lot can happen rankings-wise in the six years between the choice of hosts being made and the competition taking place, but surely they spotted that neither Austria or Switzerland have been pulling up trees in the championships in recent years. If this policy of co-hosting is to continue then a weaker footballing nation must be paired with a stronger one. Holland and Belgium in 2000 is a good example, as is Poland and the Ukraine in four years time.

Another brief rant before we occupy ourselves with Group C: why have UEFA decided that it would be a good idea for the teams in Groups A and B, and C and D to face each other in both the quarter and semi-finals? The manner in which the schedule has been rigged presents the unpalatable prospect of two teams facing each other in the final game of the group and then again two games later in the semi-final. Over-familiarity leads to dull football much of the time (we call this the Liverpool-Chelsea equation). Far better for teams to play new opponents from the other half of the draw, surely.

And breathe…..

So to Group C, and let’s begin with that enigmatic lot, Holland. For the first time in a very long time the Dutch, classically painted as a disparate bunch, aren’t bickering amongst themselves. The camp is tranquil, harmonious, unified. Clarence Seedorf, the player most likely to cause a scene, has gone. So, what’s the problem?

Well, for the first time in a very long time the Dutch can’t hide behind the excuse of not liking each other very much. Finally the footballing maestros are getting along, which means that the only issue present is whether the Dutch are actually good enough to challenge at Euro 2008. And, to many, they are clearly not.

This, in part, is down to the coach, Euro legend and scorer of that goal, Marco Van Basten. From such lofty playing heights, Van Basten has become a manager best described as pragmatic. He has decided that The Dutch should put efficiency above aesthetics, putting an emphasis on counter-attacking over silky posession-heavy football. It is a decision which has been received frostily, most notably by probably the one player revered above Van Basten in Holland. “Winning is not enough,” barked Johann Cruyff, when asked about Van Basten’s methods. “There also needs to be beautiful football.” Another dissenting voice is that of David Winner, who wrote about the singular ethos of Dutch football in his excellent book Brilliant Orange. He described the current playing style as “rather ugly, boring football.” For a man so in thrall to the Dutch style, this is damning stuff.

Van Basten’s decision to adopt a counter-attacking approach is a strange one. Counter-attacking football relies on a sturdy defence, and the Dutch defence is, at times, comically bad. How bad? Well, their starting back four contains not only the dubious talents of Wigan’s Mario Melchiot, but also those of Andre Oojer. In defensive midfield sit Demy De Zeuww of AZ Alkmaar and FC Twente’s Orlando Engelaar; decent footballers (with a nice range of passing) but heirs to Gullit, Rijkaard, De Boer they are not.

The Dutch are also severly hampered by a lack of width. Ryan Babel has already withdrawn from the squad through injury and Van Basten confirmed yesterday that Arjen Robben, revitalised after a good second-half of the season at Real Madrid, will miss the opening game against Italy. Van Basten had the opportunity to replace Babel with another winger, but, in a depressing indication of the current climate of Dutch football, instead elected to fill the position with a defender, the wretched Khalid Boularouz. As a result the Dutch have but one natural winger, Ibrahim Afellay, though he is unlikely to see much playing time at Euro 2008. Instead expect to see Dirk Kuyt running around aimlessly on the right wing tonight against the Italians.

The saving grace for this Dutch side may be its selection of strikers. Discounting Kuyt, who would never attempt anything as interesting as scoring a goal, Holland have the still-magnificent Ruud Van Nistelrooy, the wonderfully-monikered Jan Venegoor of Hesselink, a fully fit Robin Van Persie, and the new star of Dutch football, Klass Jan Huntelaar. If they perform the Netherlands might just find their way out of Group C.

Continuing the theme of dubious national team coaches is France’s Paul O’Grady lookalike, Raymond Domenech. Famously, Domenech is a strong believer in Astrology, and allegedly sometimes uses horoscopes to determine team selection. Brian Clough he ain’t.

Domenech has quite a selection of stars at his disposal, but his reliance on big names could be costly. Thierry Henry and Patrick Vieira, in particular, have had poor seasons for club and country but are still considered definite starters if fit. Indeed Vieira’s position as first choice midfielder is particularly baffling, as he is struggling with injury and form at present. Domenech has actually called up Matthieu Flamini as a replacement for the Inter Milan player, but intends to send Flamini home early if Vieira is deemed fit to play. That’s right, Matthieu Flamini, one of the best players in the Premier League, cannot even hold down a place in the French squad. But wait, there’s more. Jean Alain Boumsong has made the squad!

If Domenech can avoid playing Boumsong, the French really should qualify, as they have a truly breathtaking group of attackers. Frank Ribery is one of the most exciting talents in football, as evidenced by a stunning season just gone with Bayern Munich. Samir Nasri, Arsenal-bound, is another marvellous prospect. Florent Malouda is a far better player than a disappointing season with Chelsea suggests. Batefemi Gomis has been called the new Didier Drogba and has impressed in pre-tournament friendlies. Finally there is Karim Benzema, a phenom reminiscent of the young Ronaldo. In a few years time he may be considered one of the world’s top players, yet in this confusing French set-up he probably wont even be given a starting place.

Italy are probably favourites to escape Group C, despite lacking a truly world-class centre back after an injury to Fabio Cannavaro. It’s up front where the Italians look most potent. No Francesco Totti (which means, hopefully no Totti-related puns), but Luca Toni has taken on a tallismanic role for the Italians after an impressive first season with Bayern Munich. He is supplemented with the attacking talents of diminutive Antonio Di Natale, the hotly-tipped Fabio Quagliarella as well as Genoa’s Marco Borriello. Also present is the brilliantly unstable Antonio Cassano, who could be the star of the tournament if he manages to stay sane. And let’s not forget the flickering brilliance of Alex Del Piero, still scoring goals at 87. In midfield Pirlo, De Rossi and Gattuso should keep things neat and tidy.

Romania are probably sick of their status as the ‘…and finally’ team of Group C, but it has allowed them to quietly prepare without any interruptions. They certainly shouldn’t be underestimated, having taken four points off the Dutch in qualifying. Romania boast solidity throughout the side. Goalkeeper Bogdan Lobont oozes experience, having played for Ajax, Fiorentina and Dinamo Bucharest. Right back Cosmin Contra has had a wonderful season with Getafe, scoring some great goals along the way. Stefan Radu is a solid, technically astute central defender. Roma’s Christian Chivu, familiar to England fans who remember the game against Romania at Euro 2000, will look to control the midfield, while up front is the undoubtedly talented Adrian Mutu. Mutu is a very different player from the misfit sacked by Chelsea a few years back. Now at Fiorentina, he has had a tremendous season, and a starring performance at Euro 2008 will surely confirm his footballing redemption. Romania certainly wont be the group whipping boys, but they’ll probably have to hope that one of France and Italy underachieve in order to qualify.

Prediction

France sneak past Romania, while Holland manage to hold a slow-starting Italy. France draw with the Dutch, and Italy spark to life against the Romanians. Romania kill off Holland’s qualification chances with a victory over them and the French and Italians play out a languid draw. Italy and France to qualify.

Player to watch: Daniele De Rossi (Italy)

Two years ago at the World Cup, De Rossi, a first choice starter for Italy, was sent off in their second group game against the U.S.A for a deliberate elbow on Brian McBride. He didn’t start another game in the tournament, and despite scoring a penalty in Italy’s World Cup winning shoot-out against the French, probably felt on the periphery of the Italians celebrations. Since Germany 06 De Rossi has evolved into one of the best midfielders in Europe, providing strength and stability to an ultra-attacking Roma side. For Italy he has become the heartbeat of the team. While Gennaro Gattuso roars around crippling opponents and Andrea Pirlo plays dainty passes, De Rossi provides an attacking thrust. He’s sort of like the Italian Jermaine Jenas. Except much, much better.

Euro 2008: Group B

Nazi puns at the ready, because Group B is of course full to bursting with Second World War tension. Shots have already been fired at the Germans by Polish tabloid Super Express, with a rather grisly depiction of gruff-faced national team coach Leo Beenhakker brandishing the severed heads of Michael Ballack and German coach Joachim Low.

The Poles may as well get their digs in off the pitch, because on it the Germans look imperious as ever. Despite some lukewarm performances in the group stages (including a 3-0 home defeat to a Czech Republic side that are beginning to look very average indeed), there is a genuine belief in the German camp that they can win Euro 2008, thanks in part to a kind draw which means that the first truly taxing game should only come in the semi-final.

The Germans reached the semi-finals of the World Cup two years ago, and were a little unlucky in their defeat to eventual victors Italy. Since then not a great deal has changed, which will probably be viewed as a positive. Germany do have a new coach in Low, but he was assistant to Klinsmann in 2006 and so can hardly be considered as an unknown. The playing style is a continuation of that which worked so well two years ago, high-tempo attacking football which utilises two mobile forwards. Low has been talking about recent attempts to emulate a Premier League playing style in training, so perhaps expect an even swifter Germany in Euro 2008. Germany, after all, do have the world’s fastest footballer in David Odonkor, although he tends to be used sparingly.

The personnel are also markedly similar to those in the last World Cup, with a few minor differences. Oliver Kahn has now retired from football entirely- his farewell match took place in Calcutta in front of a remarkable 120,000 spectators- so Jens Lehmann will finally be given the opportunity to impress in goal. In defence Phillipp Lahm, scorer of that fantastic opening goal two years ago, has been moved to right back to Incorporate Bayern Munich left back Marcell Jansen. Michael Ballack will control the centre of midfield as ever, while up front Miroslav Klose will either renew that devastating partnership with Lucas Podolski or will play with German football’s next big thing, Mario Gomez. Podolski rarely gets playing time at Bayern Munich, but his partnership with Klose is bordering on the telepathic, which means he is an always valuable option. Gomez meanwhile has been tipped by many to be the tournament’s top scorer. The Stuttgart player is a classic centre forward (eschewing the received wisdom that strikers are going out of fashion) with pace, height and a ruthless streak in front of goal.

Poland are Germany’s opponents on Group B’s opening day and seem a little more confident about their prospects than they were in 2006. Low has already said that he sees the Poles as a much stronger threat than the side that the Germans edged past in 2006, and an impressive performance in qualifying seems to confirm this. Poland have an excellent trio of British-based goalkeepers in Arthur Boruc, Tomas Kuszczak and Lucas Fabianski- though Kuszczak has had to withdraw from the squad with a fractured wrist-and have a solidity, if a lack of pyrotechnicality, in central defence and midfield. The most intriguing aspect of this Polish side is the attacking areas, where an interesting group of players, including goal-machine Ebi Smolarek and recently nationalised Pole (but really Brazilian) Roger, will hopefully try and break through Beenhakker’s dreary systems and play some decent football. The Poles will feel that they could sneak through to the knockout stage of the competition, but a competent performance in Austriland will probably be deemed satisfactory.

The Poles will most likely slot in at third in the group behind Croatia. The Croats’ impressive qualifying campaign we of course know a great deal about. Since then they have lost Eduardo to that injury, but still should have enough technical quality to progress. Mladen Petric and Ivica Olic will be expected to fill the huge Brazilian/Croat-shaped hole that Eduardo has left up front, but the romantics amongst us will be hoping that a revitalised Ivan Klasnic can put his health problems behind him and fire Croatia to the knockout stages. In midfield the trio of Nico Kranjcar, Luka Modric and Dario Srna will be a must watch; they may very well play the best passing football of any midfield in the tournament.

And so to Austria. So much has been written about Austria already that I don’t have the energy or originality to add anything illuminating. Here’s a couple of articles which should tell you what you need to know: 1, 2

Suffice to say that it will be beyond miraculous should they escape the group. Oh, and they have a player named Fritzl. Ho ho.

Prediction

Germany beat the Poles in a surprisingly tight game. Croatia cruise past Austria. Germany draw with Croatia in one of the tournament’s best games. Poland stick a few past Austria, but many faint with shock as the Austrians score. The Germans beat Austria heavily, while Poland manage to hold Croatia to a draw. Germany and Croatia go through.

Player to watch: Torsten Frings (Germany)

Obviously Michael Ballack runs the show in the German midfield but it is the discipline and intelligence of Frings allows him to do so. Playing in a deeper position behind Ballack, the Werder Bremen player brings Germany’s pair of marauding full backs, Jansen and Lahm, into the game using neat short passes. He also has one hell of a shot on him, and seems delighted with the unpredictable movement of the Euro 2008 ball. So expect at least one spectacular strike from Frings in the competition.